Jonesy feeds the homeless this Xmas...

In doing my part for the community this year, I decided to spend Christmas Day feeding the homeless. Well, okay, true it was government-ordered community service but it's still the same in my eyes, so let's not split hairs here. Anyway, I bounce out of bed bright and early, and after a few chugs of the hair-of-the-eggnog-dog I'm on my way out the door and ready to spread some holiday cheer. I quickly realize it's about 7 degrees outside. To hell with this. I'm not ABOUT to stand outside all day scooping sweet potatoes onto paper plates. I don't care WHAT my parole officer says.

So, I climb into my van and head down the road with the BEST idea in the world.

I pull around the corner and see that the less-privileged have already started lining up in front of the rec center. It's cold outside. No one is happy to be outdoors. The sympathy is tugging at my heart.

I come to a screeching halt in front of the crowd of hungry hobos. I slide the door open and yell out with passion "Hop in f*ckers, we're going to Taco Bell!"

So, there I am cruising down Western Ave with a van-load of Chicago's finest transients. We've got Elvis' "White Christmas" blaring from the stereo and everyone is having a great time. Laughing and singing. A pint of Mint Ripple is shoved in my face. I proudly take a swig and pass it back. This sleigh is rockin', folks.

I yank the van into the Taco Bell drive-thru with authority. Soon, with military precision I'm shouting out orders...

"Stompy wants two soft tacos!" (everyone cheers)

"Milky gots to have a Nacho Bellgrande and a Mountain Dew!" (round of applause)

"Twigs needs a DOUBLE order of Pintos N' Cheese, my friend!" (hoots and hollers)

And I take it upon myself...

"Hell, a round of Meximelts for everyone!" (we are slapping high-fives, someone lights a joint)

I pay the lovely cashier and we're on our way. We drive around for an hour or so while everyone enjoys their meal. You can cut the holiday cheer with a empty beer bottle it's so thick.

Afterwards, I drop all my new friends off at the bus station and we exchange heart-felt goodbyes. A tear streams from my eye, knowing I was able to bring joy to those less fortunate this Xmas.

Total run time: less than two hours.

I'm back at my apartment in just enough time to catch "Christmas Vacation" coming on TBS.

Ahhhhhh. I'm so awesome. I can't WAIT to go to heaven. :-)

-Jonesy