Here is my stock reply to those "I’m bored ... so answer a bunch of questions" emails

Copy and paste my answers and save yourself the email stamp...

-Jonesy


Two Names You Go By:

1. Jonesy

2. Monsignor Slapback Jungleworthy Fontaine, Esq.


Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:

1. Bike shorts

2. Sombrero


Two Things You Would Want (or have) in a Relationship:

1. The remote

2. the right NOT to wear that awful turtleneck you bought for me ... please.


Two of Your Favorite Things to do:

1. cover homeless people in tinfoil

2. freestyle platform diving


Two Things You Want Very Badly at the Moment:

1. a time machine so I can go back 3 minutes and NOTICE that there is
no toilet paper BEFORE I proceed

2. another Police Academy sequel


Two pets you had/have:

1. there was an old lady that lived in my old building who always
wore a moo-moo and smelled like bacon. Well, she had a cat ...
probably.

2. Phil ... my pet rock


Two things you did last night:

1. downloaded the song "Funkytown" off the internet

2. re-enacted various courtroom scenes from "Law & Order" using my
pillows as jury members and a poster of Vanilla Ice as the "judge"


Person you last talked To:

the operator for the toll-free help line on the back of a Hellman's Mayonaisse jar


Longest car ride:

not a car but... last summer I went to the State Fair and the
operator accidently left me alone on the Gravitron for over an hour


FAVORITE Holiday:

Ash Wednesday because I love seeing the people whose priest got WAY
out of hand applying the smudge to their forehead ... "No no ... you
can hardly tell at all, I promise"


Favorite beverage:

Non-Diet Tab

I received the following letter from People Magazine today...

TO: Mr. Jones

FROM: Julia Bernard, Executive Assistant to V.P. of Customer Affairs

Dear Mr. Jones,

We want to thank you for your request to be featured in our annual "Sexiest Man Alive" edition. Unfortunately, we have to once again decline your submission of yourself as "Sexiest Man Alive". As we have stated repeatedly to you in years past, the editors of People Magazine tend to bestow the S.M.A. honor to an individual who is both a celebrity in his own right and quite honestly... someone who is sexy. We are also returning the personal photos you sent us and politely decline your offer to use them in this month's photo spread. It has been a long standing policy of People Magazine to refrain from the use of nudity.

Good luck with your future endeavours.

Sincerely,

J. Bernard



-Jonesy

Come on, dammit. Human beings have no business dying in "stampedes"

It happens every single year... somewhere on this planet .... USUALLY at a Wal-Mart. But it has to finally stop. There is absolutely no reason for another human being to be trampled to death by other shoppers who rush to be the first ones through the door on the year's biggest shopping days. Seriously, think about it for a second. Are we living in a Looney Tunes cartoon? Should "cause of death: crushed by herd of idiots" be something that has to be told to a family when they lose a loved one? Absolutely ridiculous. And I am in no way making light of a serious situation. This is not a joke. Maybe you lost someone dear to you in the infamous "Macy's People Stampede of 2006" or perhaps during the "Radioshack Idiot Round-Up of 2005".

Parents, listen to me. Your spoiled little kid doesn't have to have the new Fondle-Me Grover doll so bad that it's worth the loss of life. Calm down. Take a breath. Teach your child the values of patience. They can't wait. Or better yet ... plan ahead of time ... order your gifts online instead of congregating in a Target parking lot at 4am... sipping coffee... and comparing your level of pathetic with the other parents.

PEOPLE ARE DYING.

No more holiday stampedes!!!

I'm sick and tired of it.


Blessings & Wishes To You and Yours This Holiday Season,

Jonesy

Open Letter #11

Dear Single Mother On The Bus Yapping Away On Her Cellphone,

If your hyperactive Flaming Hot Cheeto-eating toddler runs past me and grazes my balls with his backpack one more time ... I'm going to punt the fucker out the door at the next stop.


Sincerely,

Jonesy

Apparently if your name is "Cody" you’re supposed to be a cowboy...

Or "Casey".

Count 'em ...

http://www.prorodeo.org/biographies.aspx?xu=1



-Jonesy