Under Seige 3: Old Country Buffet

"Are there any more cornbread muffins in the back .... punk?"


-Jonesy

Oh. My. God.

Summer of '87 was without a doubt the fashion tipping-point for the male siblings of the Jones family.

Behind that proud smile, my father is crying inside...fearful that his two sons would be forever scarred by their decision to choose their own wardrobe.

I don't quite recall the functional purpose of my lone black glove. Perhaps it was to grip a baseball bat in defense of the certain pummeling that would no doubt come to anyone wearing a bunny-rabbit-adorned purple tank-top and yellow shorts.

Thank you, Polaroid. You have both preserved my fondest memories and haunted me forever. :-)

-Jonesy

Where the heck are all the jackasses willing to hurl themselves over Niagra Falls inside a barrel when you really need one?

That’s the boost the world needs right now. Are there simply no more heroes? What happened to the go-getting American/Canadian daredevils from days of old? Where’s that North American pride? Alas, I suppose my heart will forever remain in 1985.

I'd do it but I'm kind of claustrophobic.


-Jonesy

Sh*tty Popsicles.

Man, leave it to me to return home from the store with the ONE brand of sh*tty Popsicles. How is this even possible? How do you screw up a Popsicle? There is only one thing easier to make than a Popsicle. And that's ice. Seriously. Right now there is some rogue manufacturing facility churning out thousands and thousands of cases a day of sh*tty Popsicles. Why are we letting this happen? I'm quite certain the Chinese are even more emboldened with their position as the world's superpower now that they have seen the Unites States' horrific Popsicle-making track record.

First of all, I'll admit... I truly had no idea there were that many choices for Popsicles. But there I was standing in front of the freezer-case at Grocery Barn staring a feet, nay, yards of popsicliness.

Perhaps my first mistake was choosing the brand that was on sale. Momma taught me well. But it's a Popsicle for crying out loud. There shouldn't even be a quality scale here. It should be a blind choice with a unanimous outcome ... yummy.

So, here I am trying choke down this thing. Aw, man, the paper wrapper won't come off! Yay, I just love the taste of lime and wood pulp. This is lime isn't it?

It can't be. It tastes like how my dentist's office smells.

Ugh.

And I can't just throw them away... ya know, because of the ants.

-Jonesy

Segways. So what the hell happened there?

There is absolutely nothing cool about this whatsoever.

-Jonesy