Jonesy ponders his "Bacon Threshold".

Quite often when I’m passing the time with friends and neighbors, the chit-chatty small-talk almost always finds its way to the subject of The End Of The World or The Destruction Of Mankind As We Know It. I mean, what can I say? I’m definitely a glass half-full kind of guy … but that glass is usually half-full of hobo urine.

There is usually a point during these conversations where I find myself rolling my eyes in disdain as I’m listening to someone go on and on about “what they would do if they only had one day left to live … one single day left on this planet.” Believe me, I’ve heard it all. How you would have sex with as many supermodels in 24 hours as you possibly could. Sure. Let me know how that works out for you. Will you be wearing that same flip-flops/white socks combo when you woo these ladies? Or here’s another one I love… “I would seek forgiveness from those who I’ve wronged and tell everyone I know that I love them. That way I can perish in peace.” Blow me, Gandhi.

What would I do if I only had one single day left of my life before it was all gone? For me, the answer is quite simple.

I would finally determine my bacon threshold.

Let me explain. I love bacon. That’s certainly not unheard of. It is quite tasty. But I really love bacon. So much so that at times I have wondered just how much bacon I could consume in one sitting. Believe me, I’ve been tempted. But of course the same variables always hold me back. Too much of anything can’t be good for you, right? Maybe I will get violently sick? Maybe I would go into immediate cardiac arrest? Sure, perhaps. But at exactly what point would all of this occur? This is a question I have pondered since my first BLT. Three pounds? Ten pounds?

I imagine a scenario playing out like this…

The streets are on fire. A wall of chaos and hysteria is raining down upon the Earth. People running everywhere. Looting. Rioting. Total Armageddon.

And there I will stand in my kitchen gazing peacefully out the window as the world ends. Wearing my favorite “May The Forks Be With You” apron. Before me on the table sits a Matterhorn-sized pile of pork bellies. I will stretch, take a few deep breathes and I will eat. And smile. And then I will eat some more. And when I am finished I will kneel gently down on the floor. And I will pray ... that Hell does indeed have indoor plumbing.

-Jonesy

I feel no shame in taking a 3-year-old's money.

My niece wanted to get in on a little NCAA tournament pool action. I was happy to oblige. Easiest twenty bucks I've ever made. Here's her bracket. I'm totally going to smoke her ass.

-Jonesy

"20 Questions"

This is quite possibly the dumbest game ever. Whoever invented it is stupid and I hate their stupid face.

-Jonesy

So, apparently we're NOT doing Hands Across America today???

Ha. Freakin’. Ha. Verrrry funny, everyone. I was standing out there in the middle of the street … in the bitter cold … for about two hours with my arms slightly elevated to my sides … and NO ONE ELSE SHOWED UP. Thanks a lot! And on my lunch hour too! Maybe you get a good chuckle out of taking advantage of people like me. People who give and give and are always willing to lend …yes, a f*ckin HAND so that we may link ourselves across this great nation of ours in the name of some charity or whatever. But now? Now, I am going to think long and hard before getting involved. I’m learning that there are some who are quick to mock my generosity and gullibility. First, it was WEAR BIKE-SHORTS TO WORK DAY in support of breast cancer research, which I quickly and painfully realized is a tradition that does not exist. Nor does PUNCH-A-COP FOR BOSNIA. Maybe I’m to blame here. Maybe I just care too much and refuse to believe that anyone would joke and prank when it comes to being a good philanthropist. I hope you are all happy. I hope you had your laughs and snickers and guffaws at my expense. But it will take a lot more than that to keep me down!

-Jonesy

P.S. – At this point I don’t know if this weekend’s STREAK-ACROSS-O’HARE-RUNWAY for Autism Research is legit or not. But I will be there. As promised.

Jonesy's Top 5 Favorite Songs Written To Raise Money For A Cause And That Were Sung By A Bunch Of Celebrities

Global Warming. Whales. Ethiopians.

There have been many great causes during my lifetime. And for me personally there hasn't been any better way to voice one's concerns and bring people's attention to an issue than a good ol' rootin' tootin' gathering of miscellaneous singers and celebrities to record a song that Quincy Jones probably had written while taking his morning constitution. So here now are my Top 5 All Time Picks for Best Songs Written To Raise Money For A Cause And That Were Sung By A Bunch Of Celebrities...including title of song and cast list of singers...


#5 "USA for Canada"
(Moby, Mike Meyers, Willie Nelson, Eddie Vedder, Los Lobos, Lebron James, Kermit The Frog, Keenan Ivory Wayans)

#4 "Free The Duluth Twelve"
(Pointer Sisters, Sting, Slash, Andy Dick, Regis Philbin, Moby, Cher, Ted Danson, David Allan Coe)

#3 "Lemon Aid"
(Moby)

#2 "Mmmuhmuhmmuhmuhmusicians Against Stuttering"
(Jason Priestly, Hall, Tito Jackson, Waylon Jennings, Oates, Bob Geldof, Phil Collins)

#1 "Fuck Tibet"
(Run DMC, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Vince Neil, Steve Perry, Kenny G, Charo, Moby's uncle)

Maybe someone will listen next time...

Can we finally admit that the "Cavemen" idea was never funny to begin with? The GEICO commercials sucked, so therefore, it's quite obviously that any franchise raping of this lame character is going to be equally awful. Whether it be a sitcom, feature film, pop album. Whatever. It all sucks. Let's admit the failure and allow it to disappear from our lives. Thank you.

-Jonesy

P.S. - I mean can't we light Michael Jackson's hair on fire again? Now that was good advertising.