Okay, I get it! I'm too old to be trick or treating. Will you please remove the handcuffs?

Look, I'm no lawyer but I'm quite certain there is no statute barring a 29 year old male from trick or treating. I work my ass off for 40 hours a week and I pay my taxes at least 70% of the time ... so why the hell can't I knock on your door in search of some free shit?

I waited my turn. I let the little fairy princess and the little football get first crack at your loot. I was a gentleman as long as I could. So, yeah maybe I shoved the little green alien kid down those flight of stairs that one time. But he was asking for it! I mean, come on Macauley but for chrissakes we don't need to hear about your entire evening. Take your Three Musketeers and get the fuck out of the way. Some of us are starving here!

Oh, and as for YOU, Miss Neighborhood Association President Suburban Driving Mom ... I don't need to hear shit from you either. To answer your question, "No, I don't have anything better to do on a night like tonight". Excuse the hell out of me for having a craving for nougat, you Nazi cow!

Officer, I can explain. There are alot of bad people out there. I figure I am doing society a favor by dressing up in this clown outfit and roaming the streets going door to door. That way I am able to scope out some of those nuts out there who might be out to do harm. And no I have never heard of John Wayne Gacy, Jr. Why do you keep asking me that? I have no idea how that is even relevant.

So, please take this cuffs off. And I will go home quietly. I promise.

Snort of Lick-M-Ade for the road?

Open Letter #10

Dear Radio DJ In Small-To-Medium Sized Markets,

You gotta stop playing this Hinder shit.

My esteemed colleague, Wayne Graham, once posed an excellent question: "Who the fuck is buying all this Nickelback??". I would like to extend on that and pose this question: "Are you the one giving this Hinder band a false sense of accomplishment?"

I'm not a music snob. If anything, I am ANTI music snob. Who the hell is someone to tell ME what is cool and what is not. Listen to whatever you want, whenever you want. If you enjoy...then blare it from your Camaro with pride.

But this shit really sucks.

So, Mr. DJ, do me a favor and do your job as a shepherd to his flock. Play decent music and allow decent bands a chance to shine. There are lots of hard-working talented kids out there play their hearts out. Don't deprive them the chance to be heard because you have to play some cliche-raping ballad from a bunch of former Oklahoma City Arby's employees.

Sincerely,

Jonesy

Does your barber fence stolen property on the side? ... Mine does

Apparently, my barber is into fencing stolen property. I kinda
noticed that alot of "transients" stop by his shop while I'm getting
my hair cut. They usually just stroll in and have a seat and chat
with him while he cuts hair. Every now and then I notice he'll walk
over to them and see what they have in their bags. I think nothing of
it. But today I figured it all out when this one guy walks in and
starts asking if anyone wants to buy a gold watch. My barber shows me
the watch and asks if I'm interested. He then goes on to tell me
about all the shit he's purchased off these guys. I couldn't stop
laughing. Fantastic Sam's ... this place AIN'T.