Dear Every Stand-Up Comedian Ever,
We get it. There are shitloads of Starbucks. They're everywhere. They're evil. Blah blah blah. But you know what? What did Starbuck's ever do to you but provide wonderful coffee that some of us happen to need twice every hour just to maintain some sort of coherence state of mind in our daily lives. I couldn't care less if there is a Starbuck's on every corner. If I walk into one of these fine establishments and the purple-haired aspiring actress behind the counter isn't moving quick enough for my satisfaction ... it is my god-given right as an American to be able to walk 3 ft. down the sidewalk to the other Starbuck's for my fix. Baby needs his candy. So, personally, I don't care if you're a Starbuck's, Caribou, Moosehumper's ... you're welcome in my neighborhood because every time a new coffee store goes up it means one thing... no space for another fucking Thai restaurant in Chicago!!!
(sip)
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
Sincerely,
Jonesy
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